We make time for the things that matter, right? And time is our greatest asset, our most valued possession. You show something is important by investing the time. Isn’t it that simple?
By the same token, why waste any bit of it harboring anger or frustration? Why waste any of it in inaction, in waiting?
Nothing new. Not at all. But there’s a clarity that comes after the storm. Sometimes it takes completely losing it to find fresh perspective again. The way I see it, there are two paths at this point, reflective of two interpretations of the lesson to be learned. Either one will be a massive improvement from the current road. But the funny this is, I’m going to do exactly what I shouldn’t do, and I’m going to wait. I’m going to let the decision be made for me. See what that feels like for a change.
Change.
I’m ready.
It’s amazing, really…
… the way that the world works in mysterious ways to communicate with us. Or, rather, how we find things out in the world to communicate things to ourselves - things that most likely our subconscious fabricates or forces us to perceive for what it thinks is our benefit.
I need a change. I’ve known this for a while. It’s not a big change, but rather the hardest kind - a small change of the heart. I’ve known I’ve needed to flip a switch there for a while, but this week has really excited me because I think I’m finally making it happen. The great thing about hitting rock bottom is there is only one way to go.
And just as I’ve made the decision, it starts to rain. Really rain. And at the same time, I discover a song that I’ve probably heard before, but never really listened to. It comes on a random shuffle as it’s raining, and it states:
I wanna darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It’s safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me…
And it’s been on repeat on my stereo, in my car, on my mind ever since. This is it. This is happening now. I am changing my mind. I am enough.
I am enough.
I am making a brand new ground.
And I’ve never been so in love with the rain.
I’m finding every reason to be gone
There’s nothing here to hold on to…
Every now and then, without realizing it, I’ll sing lyrics over and over in my head. Then when I stop to think about what it is I am singing, it really hits home. Amazing how music can be so deeply lodged that it’s almost subconscious - and it surfaces when that feeling or emotion is present, even if you’re not actively thinking about it.
I’ve been feeling extremely disconnected recently. Grappling and grasping for something - anything - any one solid thing that will make be feel grounded, make me feel at home. I’m tired of feeling lost, feeling like I’m wandering, feeling like I’m searching. I want to be certain for once. And I want people to be certain about me.
How do you flip that switch? I feel as though I’m trying all the wrong things.
There’s nothing here to hold on to…
Could I hold on to you?
Happy New Year!
Can’t really get away with not doing a New Years post. I’m not going to go and look back at last year’s, even though I probably should.
There are a whole multitude of things that I am thinking right now, that I am reflecting on from the last year and the years before - and really, at the forefront of my mind is only one thought: it’s all in the past. It doesn’t matter if I had the highest of highs or the lowest of lows. There’s only forward. And all I can do is make the most of each day as they come to pass. And make sure that not a single one is wasted.
So with that in mind, I wish everyone a happy new year full of health, happiness, discovery, joy and, most of all, love. Bring it on, 2013!
I’d very much like to not be disappointed anymore, but I realize at the heart of it, the constant disappointment is my own fault. The timing of this passage could not have been better.
One day a philosophy professor brought a large glass jar and some beautiful river rocks to class with him. “Raise your hands when the jar is full,” he instructed his students, and he began putting the big rocks into the jar. Soon the lid would no longer fit, and all the students raised their hands to indicate the jar was full. The professor then pulled out a bag of smaller black and white pebbles and poured them into the jar. As the pebbles rolled down, they filled in the little gaps between the big river rocks. The students smiled and raised their hands. This time the jar was completely full. Then the professor produced a bag of sand and began pouring it into the jar. When the sand had filled the tiny gaps between the rocks and the pebbles he triumphantly placed the lid on the jar and asked his class if the jar was now full. They all clapped and agreed, “Yes, it is full!” At that point, the professor opened the lid and slowly poured two cups of coffee into the jar. The coffee completely filled the tiniest gaps between the rocks, the pebbles, and the grains of sand. “Now, life is very much like this jar,” he said. The river rocks represent the most important things in life, such as your ethics, your family, your loved ones, your health. Even if you lost everything else, your life would still be full with these most important things in it. The pebbles are the things in our lives that are pretty important - but our happiness shouldn’t depend on them. Things like our job, house, car, etc. Finally, the sand represents everything else - the countless small, busy things in our lives. If we fill up our jar with sand first, then we won’t have room for the river rocks or pebbles. If we fill our lives with just the small stuff or the busy stuff, we won’t have any room or time for the things that mean the most to us.” After a brief moment of silence one of the students asked, “Professor, what does the coffee represent?” “Ah, I’m glad you asked,” replied the professor. “It means that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”
What am I putting first?
What currently occupies the most space in my life?
Which things should be my true river rocks?
Which pebbles or sand am I devoting too much time to?
Who should I take to coffee this week?
WE ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS WE PUT FIRST.
Maybe this is where I am lacking. I need to really evaluate these questions and make the necessary changes. Perhaps my constant disappointment stems from putting too much energy where it does not belong, and not enough energy where it really matters. Realization is the first step - here’s to taking the next ones.
Three videos in the editing cue, two websites in development, one more video to be conceptualized and shot in the next couple days, two webseries in production - sorry - three webseries in production, graphic work, press releases, screenplays, market research, contracts… rent (which none of the previous list pays at this point)… there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Oh well. Who needs sleep? =)
A day full of trips down memory lane. Not sure why. But everything just kept self perpetuating and building off of itself to the point where I couldn’t not think about the many things that I have lost.
So when I finally get home, all I want to do is purge. Get rid of things. Move on. So I do. But in going through things to throw away, I find the following (among many other things):
1. The receipt for the pre-order of Peter Pan on DVD I purchased in January 2007 that I thought I lost. I was never able to collect the DVD because I couldn’t find it.
2. Some Regal Cinemas tickets, amongst which was the readmission ticket I received after the botched midnight screening of the last Star Wars movie where the film burned and we had to wait 25 minutes to see the last 5 minutes of the film.
3. The receipts for the jewelry set I purchased for my mom years ago - along with their lifetime guarantee.
4. $65 in gift certificates for my favorite sushi place back home that has closed and is no longer there.
5. Exactly $23 dollars in cash. A number of significance given my pensive day.
6. A post-it that rendered me unable to clean anymore.
This is the perfect summation of my thoughts for the day.
Thank goodness there’s always tomorrow.
Vienna waits for you…
… it’s been my mantra this past week. Literally playing in my mind as I go throughout the day. I wouldn’t say that I’m more stressed out than usual, and I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly unhappy or anything, but I guess I am starting to wonder what it’s all for… where it’s all leading. I keep expressing that I am on the verge of being exactly where I want to be… making a comfortable living through my passions and my art… maybe I’m starting to question whether or not that will really be enough for me. And I’m leaning towards no.
Here I am, working overtime, but barely scraping by financially, stubborn in my desire to remain self-employed and just float from project to project, and struggling to keep up as time continues to race past me. And it’s not like I’m not having fun - I’m just wondering when I’ll start caring less about the fun I’m having and more about responsibility. Meanwhile, I lose track of the days, I say yes to everything when there’s no room left on my plate, I’m ecstatic to be working on so many things at once, I ignore my depleted bank account, and I pretend that living for today is better than worrying about tomorrow.
Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be before your time…
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true…
Maybe that’s why. I invest in too many things hoping that at least something will come true. Something will pan out. Or maybe I really do want it all. After all, I do have a wild imagination. =)
Today
Today was just one of those days. A lot of thinking. A lot of doing. A lot more thinking. A lot of frustration with current situations I can’t control. A lot of holding back what I would rather broadcast nationwide. A lot of nostalgia. A lot of longing. A lot of irritation. A lot of wanting someone to talk to so as not to keep living in my own head space. And surprisingly, at the same time, a lot of happiness.
I wish I could say that I had some sort of profound realization after all was said and done, but as usual, I am just as confused as before. Maybe if I were to survey a thousand people on what I should do about my predicament I would have a better idea. Maybe not. Seems like even in my small sampling there are polar opposite opinions.
What do I want? Besides “everything”, I can’t answer the question. What I really want is unattainable, and moreover I hate myself for wanting it. I’d like to think that the only reason that I want it at this point is because it is unattainable and provides me an easy distraction from actually dealing with having to make life decisions, but I truly don’t think that’s why. I think I still want it. And that really frustrates me. Get over it! It doesn’t exist! Maybe if I keep that on repeat in my head…
Second to that - I don’t know. I know where I want to end up. And I know that I could find some level of happiness in anything that was taking me there.
So then what is this debate even for then? Just pick something and do it. And don’t do the other things. Simple, right?
But then you think about what has made you happy in the past week:
Finishing draft one of a feature film screenplay
Writing and recording music
Taking pictures
Finishing a wedding video
Graphic Designing
Being with my family of friends
Talking business
Teaching
And if the goal is to be happy - why can’t I have all those things?
Today was just one of those days.
And on that note, haha, cue music:
With deepest regrets
The end of an era. I suppose change is a good thing, it always is, and I certainly do appreciate when life forces me out of my comfort zone. But somehow everything still leads back to…
Take, for example, this simple task of finding a new residence here in LA. I bet I could have stayed here forever - cuz that’s just who I am. Get comfortable. Nest. There are other bigger and better things with which to keep busily uncomfortable than where you live. Only - amidst everything that saddens me about this coming to an end - I realize that it is the close to a chapter of which you never even read a word. No part of you knows any part of this phase in my life that has meant so much to me.
I don’t want to move. I didn’t want to move before. Every move takes me further from where we were - which is, I suppose, the point - but… I don’t want to. I don’t want to continue to move forward without you. How can I leave the light on when you won’t even know where it is?
And it’s all so frustrating because - well, I know you’re not coming really. Ever. I know you made a decision to look the other way - to forget - to leave me to try to find my own way in this world without you while you still take it by storm. And while I want to hate you for it - I admire you for it. And I’m actually very happy for you for it.
But as soon as I think that I am finally getting to a place where I can get away from thinking about the “maybe”s and the “what if”s (and let’s face it, if the saying about time healing all wounds holds any water, I definitelyshouldbe free of all that by now) - life finds a way of reminding me that it still all comes back to you. It’s not the eviction, or the lifestyle change, the stress, the loss, the move, or even the butchering of this family I love so much that hurts me the most - it’s that you never knew any of what I’m now being forced to leave behind. I never got to share it with you. And I never will.
